The Next Great Annoyance
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Graduating from Hogwarts and on the brink of a whole new adventure, Harry finds himself summoned to another world where once more he is asked to put his gollies on the anvil for everyone else. It sucks being the hero sometimes.
1. Chapter 1

******DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Harry Potter, etc. J.K. Rowling and a bunch of other very rich people do.

**The Next Great Annoyance**

Hogwarts' graduating class stood around in their caps and gowns before the final graduating ceremony.

"Graduation," Harry mused thoughtfully, "I'm surprised we made it."

"Not all of us did," Seamus pointed out sadly.

"Stop bringing me down," Harry ordered.

"I just don't think it's right to celebrate without remembering everyone who died to bring us this far!" he defended himself hotly.

"He got drunk and fell down the bloody stairs!" Ron burst out.

"Language!" Hermione growled, smacking Ron in the shoulder.

"Oww!" Ron rubbed his shoulder. "You know it's true. Dean got drunk and fell down the stairs – he's not some kind of hero."

"No, just some kind of homo," Lavender muttered when Seamus burst out in tears.

Harry felt a slight tug and groaned as a ghost appeared in front of him.

"Dean!" Seamus exclaimed in shock.

"Seamus you must stop your sinful ways!" the shade intoned.

"What?" Seamus asked his dead lover.

"I burn in the fires infernal for my sins," Dean said gravely.

Seamus paled.

"Yes homosexuality is a sin and since I died without repenting… I'll burn forever!"

Seamus fell over backwards in a dead faint.

"Homosexuality is a sin?" one of the Creevey brothers asked nervously.

"Nah, I'm just getting back at him for not even mourning for a full bloody month before hopping back in bed with someone else," Dean snorted.

"Must you summon up the shades of our fellow students?" Hermione asked Harry.

"Look, it's not really up to me!" Harry denied. "I'm more of a conduit than anything else; I didn't summon Dean so much as I didn't stop him from returning to sort out unfinished business."

"Using my death as an excuse to not get close to anyone and as a cheap gimmick to seduce gullible men isn't healthy!" Dean declared firmly. "As soon as I've straightened him out a bit I'll be gone."

"So you're going to make him bi?" Ron asked.

Several people whimpered in pain as they tried to follow Ron's train of thought.

"Honey I love you," Hermione said, "but if you stop talking now I'll do that thing you like so much tonight."

Ron's eyes widened and he slapped a hand over his mouth.

"What thing?" Lavender asked curiously.

Hermione blushed. "As far as I can tell he likes everything I do."

"Yet another thing I'll have to repress," Draco said as he made an appearance.

Ron glared at him but didn't say anything.

"Draco," Harry said, lacking any affection but lacking the venom that characterized their earlier years.

"Harry," Draco said. "Still practicing necromancy I see. It's quite unfair that you get a free pass to do that while if I summoned up one measly little shade I'd be labeled a Dark Lord and locked up."

"It's more like the dead can hear the call of the living a lot clearer around me; I don't actually do anything," Harry argued.

"Really?" Draco asked doubtfully. "Severus Snape heed my call!" he intoned melodramatically. "Harry Potter is happy!"

"Harry Potter is happy?" Hermione asked in disbelief. "That's what you think will call back Professor Snape's shade?"

A ghost faded in. "One thousand points from Gryffindor for practicing the necromantic arts!"

The shade of the hated Professor straightened as if a great weight had been removed from him, a blissful expression on his face, before he faded out once more.

"Holy shit it worked!" Draco said in shock as the point counter changed and the banners in the great hall switched to black and yellow.

Headmistress McGonagall cut through the milling students. "Mr. Potter, why did the wards tell me Severus appeared, took points, and vanished?"

"It was his last unfinished business," Harry replied with a shrug. "After he took points his ghost moved on."

"Are you claiming he was so petty he came back from the dead just to take points from you?"

"I could summon him up and you can ask if you like," Harry offered.

"I'll vouch for him if it helps," Draco added.

McGonagall sighed. "I now know why Albus always ate alcohol laced lemon drops," she said before shaking her head and leaving.

"Annoy Scarhead and drive McGonagall to drink, well my work here is done!" Draco announced cheerfully and left.

Susan Bones popped up in front of Harry and buried him in breasts for a bewildering minute before vanishing back to the Hufflepuff section.

"I didn't hear a word she said," Harry admitted once he'd recovered from his hormonal surge.

"She said thanks and something about apologizing for not believing you when you said Hufflepuff would win the house cup this year," Hermione replied suspiciously. "She seemed to be under the impression that you did it just for her."

"Luna told me Hufflepuff would win the house cup one night last month," Harry said. "I'd had a couple of drinks that night, so when I ran into Susan I told her I'd make sure we ended in Hufflepuff house colors, just for her."

"Luna, Susan, Fleur..." Hermione said, counting off girls she'd noticed his interest in. "You like blondes!" she accused.

"What about Ginny?" Ron asked. "Or Cho for that matter?"

"Yes, I have a thing for blondes," Harry admitted. "But that's not all I want in a woman, I have other interests you know, even if I do have a weakness for blondes."

"Does this have anything to do with when Mrs. Malfoy drug you off to torture you during the war?" Ron asked.

"Torture?" Hermione exclaimed.

"I believe I also told you not to say anything to anyone," Harry growled.

"Oops!" Ron said wincing. "Well, my therapist said it's best to talk things out."

"Aberforth is not a therapist, he's a bartender," Harry said flatly.

"Same difference," Ron waved it off.

"What kind of injuries did he have?" Hermione asked suspiciously, knowing something was off in Harry's reaction.

"His back was all scratched up and he had bruises all over his neck," Ron said.

Hermione groaned. "Let me guess; Harry also was covered in sweat, looked exhausted and his lips were puffy."

"Yeah, how'd you know?" Ron asked.

Hermione ignored Ron and glared at Harry. "That's why you saved Draco?"

"Didn't hurt," Harry admitted. "Dumbledore asked me to save him, Snape asked me to save him, he actually helped us against Voldemort... Cissi really was just the sugar on top."

"And gave you an interest in blondes?" she groaned.

"Please," Harry scoffed. "I'm not that juvenile. Gabrielle gave me an interest in blondes, because I want a daughter just that adorable. Fleur later added a little more interest, as she warmed up to me and Luna pretty much cinched it just being her."

"And I suppose Susan's breasts had nothing to do with it?" Hermione asked dryly.

"The thing that stands out most about Susan isn't her rack, it's what's behind it. She has a warm and caring heart. If you wanted me to name a physical feature that attracted me to her more than her smile, it would be legs and in Hufflepuff it's a neck and neck contest between Susan and Hannah as to who has the best pins, so don't you dare sell her short just because she has large breasts; she is a damn fine woman!"

Susan had returned just in time to catch Harry's speech and had brought Hannah with her and the two spent several minutes showing Harry just how much they appreciated what he'd said, before slipping a key in his pocket and leaving.

"You have eyes in the back of your head don't you?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

"Close," Harry replied as he wiped lipstick off his face with a handkerchief. "I've got my glasses charmed to show who's behind me at a glance. Constant vigilance!"

"If you're into blondes how come you never hit on me?" Lavender demanded.

"You snogged Ron," Harry said flatly.

"Hey!" Ron complained.

"That means I could never date you without stepping on Ron's toes; it's a guy thing," he explained.

"Oh!" Ron quieted down.

"And Neville dating Ginny?" Lavender asked.

"He's more in love with her than he is friends with me and he's a damn good friend," Harry said cheerfully.

"They do make a cute couple don't they?" she said with a smile before going to talk with the Patil sisters.

"Your eyes should be brown," Hermione said flatly.

"I'm serious," Harry said.

"About why you won't date Lavender?" she returned skeptically.

"Partially. It's part of the guy code that I'd have to ask Ron first," Harry admitted. "But seriously, Neville is a damn good friend and since he started dating Ginny without asking me first, he went on an impossible quest to prove himself."

"I thought you didn't want to date her because she had a big mouth?" Ron asked.

"That too," Harry agreed. "But just because I don't want to date her doesn't mean I want to hurt her feelings."

"Fair enough," Hermione admitted. "So what was the impossible quest?" she asked, wanting to change the subject.

"I've been playing with alternate foci," Harry said. "So I got him to make me a living tattoo."

"Living tattoo," Hermione said absently as she sorted through what she knew of the subject. "Druidic spell focus that died out with them, because the plants needed to make the ink were rare and difficult to grow. Plus the foci was limited to spells involving plants. I believe several of the plants needed are actually extinct now."

"Yep," Harry agreed.

"Why an impossible quest?" Hermione asked, wondering if Harry had been more upset about Neville dating Ginny than he admitted.

"Several reasons but the important thing is; he did it!" Harry said with a grin.

Before Hermione could press him for answers McGonagall called everyone to attention and began the ceremony.

**Later...**

Sheepskin in his left hand and room key in his right, Harry entered the room and immediately noticed that the cooling charms on the room were broken, because Susan and Hannah had both had to remove quite a lot of clothes to make themselves comfortable and he was beginning to feel more than a little warm himself.

As he moved forward, tossing aside his robe, he passed through what felt like a layer of cobwebs and he found himself standing in the middle of a ritual circle in the forest with his shirt unbuttoned and his pants around his ankles.

A lot of the people surrounding him looked more than a little familiar too. He pulled his pants up and snapped his fingers, conjuring a lit cigarette – a trick he'd learned solely for the purpose of impressing girls. Taking a drag he blew a stream of smoke out and considered his options.

"I'm trying to be calm and reasonable," Harry said. "Really, I am. However I was about to have a threesome with two dynamite blondes when you summoned me here, so you can see my dilemma."

"I am-" a white bearded mage began.

"Albus 'too many middle names to count' Dumbledore," Harry interrupted. "Summoned to fight a great evil, let's skip the obvious and get to the part where you restore the threesome you stole from me."

"Who?" one of the wizards blurted out curiously.

"Abbot and Bones," Harry said with a grin.

There was some arguing from the outer circle and two men stepped forward. "We swear by our magic to ..." the pair both gritted their teeth like they were saying something painful and continued, "do all in our power to … recreate your threesome if you honestly listen to the circle's proposal."

"So we swear," everyone chorused and a flare of blue light came from all within the circle to seal their vow.

Harry blinked in surprise. "Okay I'll listen."

Albus started over, "My name is Albus … Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts and we summoned you to prevent a war."

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


	2. Chapter 2

**The next great annoyance 2**

"Prevent a war?" Harry asked in surprise.

"Yes, why else would we have summoned you?" Albus asked, waving a hand to include the assorted wizard and witches.

"I thought it was to fight a dark lord and win a war you were losing," Harry admitted, with a shrug.

"We're hoping to avoid a war," Albus said. "And really, who would put all that weight on one persons shoulders?"

Harry reached into his shirt and pulled out a hand mirror and held it up to Dumbledore's face.

"Me?" he asked in shock.

Harry put the mirror away. "You had me fighting dark lords since I was eleven and seemed hell bent on putting the weight of the magic world on my shoulders."

"The other me wouldn't happen to be insane or senile, would he?" Albus asked.

"Dead actually," Harry replied. "He had Snape kill him to save Draco Malfoy's life and cement his position in the Death Eaters."

"Well, that's not good," Albus said after a minute of stunned silence.

"Meh," Harry shrugged. "I've been tortured by all three sides: light, dark, and ministry. So I'm rather glad he's gone and can't have me tortured anymore."

"What kind of leader of the light was I?" Albus asked in horror.

"The kind who wasn't afraid to sacrifice my life and sanity in the name of the greater good," Harry explained, taking a bit of satisfaction in how pale Dumbledore became and the murmur of the crowd surrounding them.

"So, when can you send me back home?" Harry asked, when he grew tired of waiting.

"How can you be so selfish?" a pale, lanky, redheaded woman with greasy hair demanded.

"So, I can assume you're going to reverse whatever ritual you used to summon me here to send yourself to solve another world's problems?" Harry asked.

"It's not the same thing," she quickly said.

"Yes, because in that case no kidnapping would be required," Harry said blandly. "None of you, who are not planning on sending yourself to alternate universes to solve their problems, have the moral high ground. Make no mistake, you've kidnapped me and are basically planning to use me as a human sacrifice. It's not much different than a dark lord grabbing a random muggle for the same reason."

"Human sacrifice?" Dumbledore asked, paling.

"You did summon me here to put myself in harm's way, fighting your battles for you, wading knee deep in blood, and causing massive amounts of collateral damage, right?" he asked.

"Good lord, no!" Dumbledore exclaimed.

"Then why the hell did you summon me?" Harry demanded. "That's all I'm really good at."

"I- The spell would only have summoned you if you were the solution to our problem," the old wizard explained.

"So, no prophecy or dark lord?" Harry asked.

"No just a possible war, which we wish to avoid."

"I'm really better at causing massive amounts of damage and bloodshed than preventing it," Harry admitted.

"What kind of monster did you summon?" one of the wizards in the surrounding circle demanded.

"Not the kind that kidnaps people to sacrifice," Harry shot back, making the group flinch. "Well OK, not innocent people uninvolved in the conflict," he corrected himself.

"If your only skills are battle and bloodshed why would the spell target you?" Albus said thoughtfully thinking aloud.

"They're not my only skills, they're just my greatest skills," Harry said. "I'm a troubled magnet, have a 'saving people' thing, and am quite a prankster."

"A prankster?" Dumbledore asked excitedly, while the circle of magic users groaned.

"He looks a lot like James Potter," a wizard growled.

"I'd recognize that sneer anywhere," Harry said excitedly. "Snivelus, come out and take a bow. Would you like to see the Patronus I can generate from witnessing your death?"

"You monster!" the red haired woman spat out.

"Why, because I was happy to watch a man die? A man who tortured me and used his position of power to torment me from when I arrived at Hogwarts until his death some six years later – a man who held a grudge against me because of who my father was and in fact was responsible for setting a Dark Lord on my parents leaving me an orphan at a little over a year old?"

It was Snape's turn to pale.

"How about the fact that he was the single worst potions teacher to ever exist? Who poisoned generations of potions students and I once witnessed him telling a muggle born girl that he'd be doing her a favor if he snapped her wand," Harry said cheerfully.

"I'm not a teacher nor would I ever be!" Snape defended himself. "I don't have the patience nor the temperament to deal with children and my wife is muggle born."

"Then you are loads better than the Snape I dealt with, but just understand this Severus Tiberius Snape that if you start messing with me because of who my dead father is I will gladly-" Harry stopped as he felt a familiar pull.

***POP!***

The ghost of a stern looking woman appeared.

"Mother?" Snape asked, paling even further.

"Son," she smiled softening for a moment before sending him a hard look. "And why am I not a grandmother yet?" The ghost corralled Snape and the greasy red haired woman off to the side while the rest of the surrounding magic users stared at Harry in horror.

"What was that?" Dumbledore demanded.

"What was what?" Harry tried to play innocent.

Dumbledore gave him his best disappointed look.

"Don't give me that!" Harry defended himself. "I may have forgotten to have mentioned an ability or two that foolish and ignorant people consider dark, but that's just because I don't feel like dealing with them."

"Summoning the dead ..." someone started.

"I summon no one!" Harry defended himself.

Everyone looked over at Snape and his wife who were being browbeaten by his departed mother and then back to Harry dubiously.

"I did no rituals and used no magic! She summoned herself … which is easier for spirits to do around me," he admitted.

"And what did you do to make that happen?" Dumbledore asked.

"Nothing!" Harry declared firmly. "See, I had to defeat a Dark Lord who hit me in the face with a killing curse as a child. Dumbledore decided I needed to be the Master of Death to survive a second one, so voila!"

"I made a teenager the Master of Death?"

"Yep, and keep in mind that this was a teenager you ensured was raised abused and treated like a house elf."

"Why the hell aren't you a Dark Lord?" one of the wizards demanded.

"Because the hero gets the hot threesomes!" Harry said righteously. "Err, I mean because I have always chosen what was right over what was easy."

Dumbledore gave him a doubtful look.

Harry rolled his eyes. "So I have a saving people thing," he admitted. "I just can't stand by and watch while innocent people suffer."

"I can't believe I went through with my crazy idea," Dumbledore groaned, closing his eyes like he was in pain.

"Pardon?" Harry asked confusedly.

"When I was younger I found myself wondering why Dark Lords always attacked the innocent," Dumbledore explained. "I thought up a way to create a Dark Lord who would only go after the guilty and my insane analogue apparently went through with it."

"Hang on a tic!" Harry yelled while the witches and wizards shrank back from Harry's presence. "I'm not a Dark Lord; I have no followers, no dark marks, nada! Oh Dark Lord of Lemon Drops."

"Harry, Harry, Harry..." Dumbledore shook his head sadly.

"I'm not!" Harry protested.

"Even as we speak a young veela has gone missing," Dumbledore said in a seeming non-sequitur.

Harry froze, seeing a pair of deep blue eyes looking up at him with water dripping from her robes in his memory.

"If you don't save Gabrielle Delacour, who will?" Albus asked.

Everyone shrank back from Harry and the fury in his eyes as his aura flared around him. A split second later he vanished with a crack.

"Headmaster?" Hagrid asked.

"He's the one," Dumbledore assured him. "Despite what he said, as soon as he heard an innocent was in trouble he acted."

"He's a Dark Lord?" Hagrid asked confused.

"Yes," Dumbledore admitted gravely. "We of the light are limited in what we can do at times, so I thought to myself wouldn't it be grand if I wasn't so limited … but that way lies corruption and madness. No, I had to stay true to the light. It'd take a soul forged in suffering and pain, one who'd been bathed in the dark and refused to yield, who could be a Dark Lord whose goal was similar to my own. My analogue made him into that Dark Lord."

"Like the difference between a wild dragon and a watch dragon?" Hagrid asked.

"Exactly!" Dumbledore agreed. "He'll still breathe fire and eat people, but only trespassers. You saw his reaction to a child in danger."

"Yeah," the half giant agreed, satisfied.

0oOo0

The Delacour family was nervously awaiting a ransom call. Gabrielle had disappeared the day before and they'd had to wait 24 hours before the Auror's would declare her missing and run her picture in the paper. But as soon as they had, they'd received a ransom note telling them to await further instructions.

It was probably just a crank or an opportunist, but they couldn't take the chance that it was real, so the family waited nervously near the fire with a couple of hit wizards hiding under invisibility cloaks.

Feeling the house shudder as something tore its way through the century old wards was not something any of them expected.

"Something has broken through the wards!" Michael said in English for the benefit of the hit wizards.

"Freeze everyone!" Moody hissed, staring into the shadows in the corner of the room.

Heads slowly turned to see what the paranoid wizard had spotted with his enchanted spinning blue glass eye.

A pair of green sparks became eyes as a large black canine stepped out of the shadows.

"A grim!" the other english wizard hissed and crossed himself.

"You won't take my daughter!" Michael Delacour shouted as he drew his wand and cast. "Avada Kedavra!"

The green eyes glowed brighter as the spell hit … but did nothing, much to everyone's horror.

The black dog walked forward and pulled the wand from Michael's limp hand dropping it on the floor, before sniffing the air and following his nose to a little brown teddy bear.

"It's Gabrielle's," the mother said worriedly. "What is it doing?"

"Detecting the scent," Moody said.

"Since when are grims immune to AK's?" the other british wizard hissed.

"I can't say I've ever heard of one being hit by one," Moody replied before casting a spell under his breath that caused a thread of blue light to extend from his wand to the dog.

Fleur being all of fifteen stepped forward bravely. "I'll give you anything!" she begged. "But please find my sister!"

The grim chuffed and nodded his head before pawing at the door.

"Why does it not go through the shadows?" Fleur asked.

"Because we couldn't follow it," Moody said guessing something strange was going on as he opened the door and everyone followed the dog's nose.

The group went up three floors and across an upstairs ballroom, frequently losing track of the dark hound whenever it stepped into a shadow, but easily following Moody's blue thread as the hound slowly traveled to allow Moody to keep up.

0oOo0

***CRACK!* **

Harry reappeared wearing a pink ribbon in his hair and with his nails done in sparkling red polish.

"What happened to you?" someone blurted out.

"Rescued a five year old veela," Harry replied. "Turns out she'd just locked herself in the attic. I have no idea how she managed to get up there. Apparently being her rescuer involves letting her and her sister play makeover while she recovers from her ordeal."

**TN: Typing by godogma the ever living!**


	3. Chapter 3

**The Next Great Annoyance Chapter 3**

There was a loud crack and Moody appeared. "Aha!" He looked around at everyone. "Did I miss a memo?"

"Evening Alastor," Dumbledore said cheerfully, "I knew you were busy so I didn't invite you."

"Tracking spell?" Harry asked.

"On the bow," Moody admitted, "what are you?"

"World's biggest sucker," Harry replied cheerfully.

"The Master of Death," Albus said with a twinkle in his eyes.

"That explains your animagus form," Moody said, "as well as ignoring being hit with an AK."

***POP!* **

Fleur Delacour appeared right above Harry, knocking them both to the ground where she started kissing him.

"So what exactly did he do?" Albus asked.

**One explanation and an aquamenti charm later … **

"That was very rude," Fleur said wiping water off her face.

"Homina," Harry agreed, his hormones still scrambling his higher brain functions.

"Please climb off our Dark Lord," Dumbledore requested.

"According to the old goat buggerer, I'm a Dark Lord because there is little I won't do to protect the innocent," Harry said, trying to put things in the best light possible.

"And have powerful dark abilities," Dumbledore added cheerfully.

"And who gave them to me without my knowledge or consent?" Harry asked.

"Some other old senile wizard," Dumbledore said with a grin, then frowned slightly as Harry chuckled and he realized what he'd said.

Harry shook his head. "Fine, what do I need to do to get you guys to send me home?"

"You'll help us?"

"I'll help," Harry agreed with a sigh, "but no holding back information; your other self made a habit of never telling me what was going on and just leaving clues everywhere."

"Other self?" Moody asked.

"They kidnapped me from an alternate dimension," Harry explained.

"We used a very precise summoning spell to summon someone who could solve our problems," Dumbledore explained.

"Probably used the rune for ox rather than horse," Harry grumbled.

"Anyway our problems are twofold," the old wizard continued as if Harry hadn't spoken, "we have Thomas Riddle uniting the traditionalists and pushing through laws that are causing a growing rift in the population that will likely lead to a civil war and we have … the Marauders who seem bound and determined to start a war with France."

Harry stared at him in shock for a couple of moments before he recovered. "So I have to take care of Tom and the Marauders?"

"Yes, but not kill!" Dumbledore said quickly. "Killing Tom would make him a martyr and solve nothing, and as for killing the Marauders …" his voice trailed off and he thought about it for a minute, "I've got nothing."

"So I've got to politically neutralize the heir to Slytherin, and find a way to stop the Marauders from … what exactly are they doing anyway?" Harry asked.

"Heir of Slytherin?" Albus asked.

"Thomas Marvolo Riddle, orphaned son of the Gaunt line and direct descendant of Slytherin himself," Harry explained. "You know, Slytherin the wizard who built the Chamber of Secrets and stuck a basilisk in it?"

"The Gaunts have long claimed to be descendants, but no one believed them and they died out years ago. You're saying they actually were descended from Slytherin and Riddle is of their line?" Albus asked.

"And what's this about the Chamber of Secrets and a basilisk?" Moody demanded.

"Merope Gaunt used a love potion on the local squire; Thomas Riddle Senior," Harry explained, "once she was pregnant she thought he'd come to love her and stopped dosing him. End result was she'd died just after naming him and he was raised in an orphanage where he was prosecuted for being different."

"And?" Alastor asked.

"The Chamber of Secrets can only be opened by a parselmouth, which Tom is and has a basilisk sleeping inside waiting for one of the Slytherin line to call it forth. Huge bastard too."

Everyone stared at him in horror.

"What?" he asked.

"There is a huge basilisk sleeping under a school filled with children and you don't think that's horrifying?" Albus asked.

"I killed it in my second year with the Sword of Gryffindor and the help of Fawkes. If I could handle it as a second year I'm sure you can handle it easily."

"Maybe my other self wasn't as crazy as I thought," Dumbledore mused thoughtfully on making another student into the type of powerhouse that could take out a monster like that.

"No! Bad headmaster! No torturing children for the greater good!" Harry exclaimed.

"Fine, fine," Dumbledore said.

"Why didn't you just bring a rooster?" Alastor asked

"All the ones at school were dead and Riddle had kidnapped a first year to sacrifice to bring himself back to life. I brought the defense instructor, but Gilderoy Lockheart turned out to be a fake, taking credit for other people's accomplishments."

"And you didn't have a quill on you?" Minerva asked.

"What good would a quill do?" Harry asked, obviously confused.

"Quill to cockarel transmutation, it's a third year lesson in transfiguration, but with a basilisk running loose in the school I'm sure the second years could have learned it."

"You taught us tortoise to teacup and mouse to snuffbox but never quill to cockarel," Harry replied, "anyway, end result dead snake, dead dark lord, live stalker."

"Live stalker?" Minerva asked.

"Ginny Weasley decided that since I had saved her that we were meant to be and stalked me for the rest of my school career."

"Usually the knight in shining armor marries the damsel in distress," Dumbledore said.

"If I married everyone I saved there would be few people male or female not named Potter!" he replied.

"Fine, then the first damsel you rescued!" a female voice called out.

"That would be when I attacked a troll to save Hermione Granger first year," Harry replied, "she's more like a bossy older sister to me and has hooked up with Ron Weasley anyway."

"We didn't have any troll problems," Albus said, "but the basilisk is probably something we need to deal with, how do you open the Chamber of Secrets?"

"Go to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and hiss open in parseltongue to the sinks, one will swing inward revealing the entrance," Harry replied, rolling his eyes at the gasps and mutters of dark magic.

"Parseltongue?" Fleur asked.

"Snake speaker," Harry replied, "I stole it from Thomas Riddle when he hit me in the face with the killing curse as a child."

"Ah, like the doctors, oui?" she asked.

"Yeah," Harry agreed, "but the only people who have it locally are more the poisoner types."

"Doctors? Poisoners?" Albus asked.

"Parseltongue speakers seem to have an instinctive grasp on how the human body works, making them excellent assassins as well as doctors so its gotten a bad rap in England," Harry explained, "unlike France where it's considered the hallmark of a good doctor."

One of the surrounding wizards called out, "So French doctors are evil?"

"And this is the light side of the English magical world," Harry said sourly, "is it really any wonder that it gives rise to so many Dark Lords with this much intolerance and bigotry?"

Fleur used this as an excuse to hug him.

Dumbledore looked at the surrounding members of the Order of the Phoenix and shook his head sadly, giving his best disappointed look. With a sigh he turned around... "Aquamenti!"

"Dammit will you stop doing that?"

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


End file.
